well, its me lance.

i must say, life has been.... well, its been.

i have a job, which means money.

but as we near the celebration of my birthday, my dad pops into my head.

it seems, as much as i thought i had one, i never had a normal relainship with my dad.

i guess its cause i had to live between houses. shared everything between holidays, to birthdays. and i never really minded it. but as i got older.... things changed.

my mom and i grew closer since my seizures happend. but, my dad seemed to make himself more distant from me.

then the fight happend. it was over help with my insurance for my car. i wasn't angry cause he didn't lend me money.

it was that the one time in my life i asked for help. he said no.

i never asked for help in my life knowing him. if i asked for something, it was something like money to hang out with friends, nothing major.

since the fight, we haven't talked. and i have done some deep thinking.

now, its september 20th. a month and one day away from my birthday, and my mother and i had a talk. its going to be my 21st birthday. and my first one without my dad around.

i alwalys thought i would be able to celebrate my 21st birthday with my dad. do dad and son things.

now, i don't even want a birthday. but at the same time.... i miss him. so many things remind me of him. i have the song "cats in the cradle" on my ipod. i cry when i hear it, cause its happend to us. but, i can't bring myself to delete it off my playlist.

i don't know what to do. i feel like i'm drowning in my own emotions..... i have never been good with them anyways... heh....

well, this is lance, signing off.